A Brief Crescendo
by eden alice
Summary: She needs to do this to carry on. A short Ronnie fic.


This is just a short reaction to the events that took place on Eastenders last week and how Ronnie reacted. Enjoy.

A Brief Crescendo

Her hand shook as Ronnie tried to put the key into its hole in the front door. She frowned quizzically not quiet understanding the limbs betrayal. The murky brown of the night's sky seemed to mean the sun was due to rise, she has lost track of time hours ago on a street corner.

Finally slipping inside of the door and shutting it heavily behind herself Ronnie let out a breath she did not realise she had been holding. With none of the lights on and the curtains drawn the flat was darker than the night outside and relief sucked the adrenaline from her tired body. She felt safe all alone in the darkness, it was as if she could fade away and become part of it.

She moved throughout the flat slowly muttering to herself when she tripped over something in the doorway to the living room but made no move to turn a light on. She did not know the flat well enough to move around gracefully while blinded by the gloom. When she had been unable to sleep in the Vic she had been able to find her way around silently with her eyes closed. She had not wanted one of the others to hear her and know something was wrong. Now she wonders if they would have even cared. She had been foolish to ever believe that the pub had been her home; it was nothing more than bricks and concrete just like her current residence.

She studiously ignored her snow globe as she passed. Even though she couldn't see it she could feel it near her making her skin crawl. She did not want to think about that right now, not when there was so much new pain that she wanted to burry first.

Her hand instinctively went to her chest as she opened the fridge, grasping for a locked that she gave away a long time ago as she squinted against the sudden brightness inside. The lack of edible food was hardly surprising and she decided it did not really matter when she was already feeling nauseous, instead her fingers wrapped around the familiar coldness of a half empty bottle of vodka, not bothering to find a clean glass.

Within the quietness there was nothing to quell the onslaught of memories and emotions. She had spent the entire day trying to ignore the way it all welled up inside choking her; she had desperately clung onto her initial numbness needing it to survive. But now she was safely alone there was no one else to protect herself against and her emotional walls had always been there to stop people getting close, not to stop herself feeling every hurt.

She was going to lose Jack. Not that he was hers to lose; his comment before she left the club had been a stinging reminder. When she had heard he had been shot it was felt almost fitting. She had been shocked at her lack of reaction but in her mind he was already gone.

She had sat on the uncomfortable plastic chair in a hospital waiting room with his family glaring at her like she was the enemy and all she could hear was the solid thump of her daughter's body hitting the car again and again and again.

The alcohol burned a familiar path down her throat and she thought about how the same time last year her sister had dragged her away from the blood stained pavement where her daughter had died. Sometimes she feels as if Danielle is still with her, just a flicker out of the corner of her eye. Ronnie would never tell anyone but sometimes she wants to crawl into the dank earth that held her daughter's body because living feels too impossibly hard.

Even when she thinks she has nothing left they always seem to find a new way to punish her.

She'd seen Jack looking so pale and still, slightly blurred through the window and the tears that had filled her eyes. His sister and new girlfriend taking their places by his side and the loneliness had felt like a physical blow.

The first sob catches her unexpectedly and even as she clamps her hand tightly over her mouth more threaten to spill out of her. She can not stop the warm tears as they spill down her cheeks.

"No," She's not sure who she is pleading to but she can't do this. She can't break down and let it hurt her and then put herself back together again.

But she can't utter another word when her sobs start to send violent tremors through her body and make her double over with pain deep in her abdomen. Her vision darkens around the edges as she struggles to breath through the sudden onslaught of emotion. All she can do is to feebly throw the bottle away in anger because she should be stronger than this, Jack deserved better and maybe that was why he had finally given up on her.

She never hears the glass shatter into a million pieces.

It could be hours or minuets but she comes back to her senses curled up on the floor feeling dazed and dehydrated. A headache pounding between her temples but she is just grateful that her body ran out of tears to cry.

She flexes her fingers taking a long moment to release the tension from her limbs before pulling herself into a seated position. With her eyes closed she mentally replaced her defences only really relaxing when a familiar numbness takes over.

She wants to go see Jack again, to feel the reassuring warmth of his skin beneath her hand but decides to stay away for both their protection. In the corner of the room she imagines Danielle shaking her head, eyes dark with disappointment at her mother's decision.

She's already let her daughter down more times than she can comprehend so Ronnie has no idea why the girl seems surprised. She should confront the apparition but she never does, especially when she has to clean up the mess of broken glass and sticky liquid.

She needs to do this to carry on.


End file.
